I’m madder than a cat in a prison’s gang shower. Yesterday i received this telegram telling me that I’m not allowed to go into any of the local Walk-Marts. I call them that because you have to walk the soles off your shoes to do all your shopping. That’s why they have such a big shoe department…you have to buy a new pair just to shop there.

Anyways, this here telegram said they had cameras on me every time I visit and because of the following list, I can’t shop there anymores.

• They said they saw me me set all the cooking timers in the cooking section to go off 5 minutes apart.
• They said that I took boxes of Twinkies and spread them out into 20 or 30 shoppers carts.
• I was reported to have walked up to an employee and said in an assertive voice, “There’s a code 12 in the Ladies Wear Department, get right on it!”
• The telegram also said that I went to the layaway department and tried to layaway a bag of Skittles.
• They also accused me of leaving a trail of BBQ sauce all the way back to the rest room.
• This here employee lady complained that when she asked if she could help me, that I shouted back to her, “Why can’t people just leave me alone!”
• They said that they had pictures of me darting in an out of aisles and racks while I was loudly humming the Mission Impossible Theme…..I don’t remember that one.
• They said that I was in Sportin’ Goods handling a gun and asking the sales clerk if Valium was an anti-depressant.
• They also said that I was hiding inside the clothing rack and when people browsed by, I would say, “Pick Me…Pick Me….”
• They said that I would go into the Mens Fitting Room and shout that there was no toilet paper in here…I remember that one.

I guess I could have done these things, but I have to admit that I can’t stand shopping period. My wife insists that I go but I just get plum bored out. For all you guys out there who can’t stand shopping for hours on hours….please write and give me your comments. Anyways you won’t see me at Walk-mart for a while. Maybe  I’ll be getting a telegram from PlayMart too!

Clifton Hitchins

I’m madder than a grease monkey with a crooked dipstick! Nothing gets me madder than a bunch of foreigners who come over here and take our jobs and then refuse to learn to speak American. It really makes me furious as H E double hockey sticks.

Well, I had to get that off my chest. It’s not what I want to write about. It does create a pain in my backside to know that we all work hard and this un-American stuff goes on.

My Grandson is 6 years old and he’s losing teeth. Every time he comes over for a visit he takes a nap and says to the Mrs. that when he wakes up the good fairy should have visited and left some folding money under his pillow. This has happened 4 times in the last month. I mean I think this kid is pulling out his own teeth. The Mrs. is so gullible she puts a five dollar bill under his pillow. What ever happened to a quarter? 

So far this month its cost me 30 bucks! I decided that this time when he wakes up, I would tell him a story to get him set straight. This has to be done! My Mrs. says that I’m a tight old codger and that we should just keep playing along. I told her to go squeeze a lemon or two. I told her that the kid needed to be careful what he wished for.

When the kid woke up he came into the living room and asked why the good fairy didn’t come by. I told him to sit down and listen. I told him that he should count his blessings and that not everything is money. Really it is, but the little shaver needed some real reasoning here. So, I told him about me and the Mrs. when we were in our sixties, celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. On our special day, a good fairy came to us and said that because we have been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of us a very special wish.

I told him that Grandma asked for a trip around the world with me. Whoosh!!!! Immediately she had airline tickets in her hand and a set of cruise line tickets for the both of us.

Next the good fairy looked at me and said that it was time for me to make my wish. I told her that I wanted a female companion 30 years younger… Whoosh!!!!! I immediately turned 90!

The kid doesn’t visit as much anymore.

Clifton

I hear a lot of people talkin’ against us Americans. I mean that riles me like a Pit Bull dog seeing a bunny rabbit. This is America, where freedom rings and foreigners get rich. Here’s a plan for all of you to check out… I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ‘ole’ boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence..

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a "D" and it’s back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of their wells filling up their storage sites would be enough.)

If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. ! Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it…or LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’ "

Hope you like it…

Clifton

I am so mad that I could that I could spit bullets. Our neighbors are our best friends and their daughter Suzanne is moving to Birmingham, Alabama. She got one of those teachin’  jobs at a high school there. My neighbor, Jasper, asked me and the Mrs. to order her cake so she wouldn’t hear  them do it. He asked us to go fetch it when it was done.

So the Mrs. called up that Walt-Mart place in Selmer and she ordered that cake over the phone. My wife said to the bakery fella, that she would like to order a cake for a going away party. That there feller at Walt-Mart asked the Mrs. what she wanted written on the cake.

The Mrs. said she wanted the cake to say… "Best Wishes Suzanne"…and underneath that "We Will Miss You…

When we went to pick it up this is what it looked like…    

My wife has me going to the doctor for everything. When I wake up in the morning and say to her that I have a sore this, or a pain in my that, 2 minutes later she’s on the phone callin’ ol’ Doctor whats-his-name. She’s driving me crazy. Two maybe three times a week I’m in the doctors office listening to his jibber jabber.

I have figured him out though. I do understand what he is really saying. For instance, when he says, "Well what do we have here?"….he’s really saying that he doesn’t have a clue what’s wrong and he’s hoping I’ll give him a clue. When he says, "Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…? Really the ol’ boy is stalling for time. When he says this one. "If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call." He really means that he doesn’t have a clue what’s wrong with me. He doesn’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

We go to a doctor in Selmer and one in Savannah and another over by Adamsville. The other day the doctor said to me, "Let me check your medical history real close Clifton." What he was really saying to me was that he wanted to see if I paid my last bill and whether or not he should spend anymore time with me. The nurses do most of the work anyway. They take your vitals and then chit chat why your there and then in about 30 minutes the doctor meanders in and says, "Everything seems to be normal." What he is really saying is, "Rats!!!!! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo yet."

Well, we need these doctors, they do keep us kickin’. My wife says that I’m a big baby and when I have to visit the doctor I make a big fuss. I say that she’s a paranoid ol’ gal that can’t get along without me and needs me so I can drive her where ever she wants hauled. Hold on….. my wife is calling me….."Yes Dear, I’ll get the car and we’ll leave in a few minutes." Okay, so she’s a good cook and keeps my long johns washed, a man knows where his bread’s buttered.

Have a nice one….more later.

Clifton Hitchins    

I’m so hot you could grill a burger on my bee-hind! I was watchin’ that Channel 5 from Memphis and with all the criminal activity going on they have to keep on messin’ with Mary Winkler. I mean , HEY!!!!!!!!!!! Get over it!!!!!! This drives me crazy. Let the woman get back to her life.

She has every right to live on and be happy. She had her time in jail and spent enough time with you press meddlin’ morons. So she wants her kids back. Wouldn’t you if you were her? These TV stations have enough crime to talk about. Why do they keep hasslin’ folk. Stay over there in Shelby County Channel 5 and talk up a storm about those crimes that happen so often you can’t cover them all.

I’m a firm believer that some of your ree-porters only come over here to McNairy County because they want a vacation for a day. Leave Ms. Winkler alone! Let her get her life back with the kids. She deserves to have the peace and quiet that she’s earned through that hectic period in her life.

Please get over it! Channel 5 …spend the travel money on getting your news people smiling lessons!

Clifton Hitchins

Clifton Hitchins___ The Grumpy Old Man(So They Say)
Another Trip To Selmer

I was on my every other day trip to town and had plans to get my hair cut and beard trimmed. I was finding things in my beard from a week back. I was comin’ up to that intersection of 45 and 64 and had a green light. It suddenly turned yeller and then red. I said to myself that here I was drivin’ through a red light again. My truck only goes 45 mph and I knew I was going to be gettin’ one of those traffic tickets. They put up these fancy cameras at the intersection and catch us folk who have a slow reaction time.

It was a couple of days and there it was in the mail. A ticket for going through a red light. It was for 138 dollars and change. I have the money to pay for it so I will send it in and pay for it. It was in the paper that they get about 200-300 people drivin’ thru this red light. Now I was figurin’ this out and they catch about 28,000 dollars worth a month minimum.

Every path has a few puddles, so they say. I was a bit mad but with my slow reaction time and my slow truck, I would have to ignite a rocket in my behind to save myself from gettin’ a ticket. Being a good citizen I will pay the ticket and go on. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump, if you know what I mean.

So I say to all of you to watch out for that intersection. There is a camera or two watchin’ you closely and the tickets are flowin’ like moonshine from an uncorked jug. After all 138 dollars is 2 tanks of gas!!!!!

Clifton Hitchins….

Hi Ya’ll - My name is Clifton Hitchins. I owe it to these fine upstarts of this website to write this here column, or blog as they keep telling me to call it. I can’t believe that I am going to do this for nothing but I am. They don’t give me a penny to do this at all. My wife and I have this nice place over by Shiloh, Tennessee. We have a nice house on 45 acres that keeps me pretty busy except for this writin’ stuff. My wife accompanied me to the doctor’s office. After my checkup, the doctor called my wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, I asked my wife, “What did the doctor say?” She said, while looking into my eyes, “You’re going to die,” Well, whenever I feel like it I’ll have more for you, hopefully before I kick the bucket….. and hey what did you expect - I did mention they ain’t payin me for this, right - not even a penny?

I was in Selmer yesterday buying some chicken feed and I noticed some youngsters getting off the bus. I was particularly shocked seeing what these young boys wear to school. One of the fellas had on these real baggy drawers that went down a bunch from his waist and you could see his shorts that were designed like the winners flag at one of those stock car races. He had a pair of them headphone things in his ears and he was dancin’ as he walked like he had boweevils lodged in his britches. I asked him what he was listening to and he said , “It’s my EYE-POD”. I asked him if he was on some kind of medication that made him stupid. He laughed and said that this here EYE-POD was a gadget that held thousands of songs and he could download as many songs as he liked. He showed it to me and I’ll be dang if it wasn’t the size of one of those credit cards , just a little thicker. When he said EYE-POD, I thought he was talkin’ about one of those eye patch things that pirates wore. Well anyway I sure was learning a few things. I told him that if he pulled up his drawers he could walk a lot better. I told him that if he pulled them up and wore a belt no one would see those fancy shorts he had on. That it would save him a lot of trouble getting in fights and stuff. He said he was in-style and that I was way out in space. Space or no space, I know what looks good and this young whipper-snapper looked like he was one of them fugitives from that Barnum and Bailey Circus that was in Memphis last year. I told him where I lived and when he came to his senses or looked in a mirror, he should come by for a visit and I would give him some of my Sunday bib overalls. He laughed and said he would be by. There was also a young fellar that was wearin’ a baseball hat backwards. I asked him if he was the catcher on the school baseball team and if he was just in a habit of wearin’ it like that. Then three of his friends walked by wearin’ their hats the same way. I guess they must have a lot of catchers playing with the team. Well, I have to go and unload the chicken feed from the pick-up. I’ll write more when I want to. These boys who run this here web site don’t pay me a penny. Why should I do this just for them. Bye for now.

These guys at the barber shop in Selmer told me that I was getting a stimulation check in the mail right soon. Said it was $600.00 for me and Mrs. Hitchins, and more if I have any other dependents. If I would have known that, and this dependent thing would have gotten me more money, I would have gotten social security numbers for my farm animals. Well anyways, I was telling those fellers at the hair cuttin’ place that if that Bush guy wants to stimulate me he can make gasoline 89 cents a gallon. He can make a gallon of milk $1.09. He can keep those jets flying and he can put a lot of people back to work so they won’t lose their homes. My neighbor Jonah, has to move because he can’t afford his payments on his farm. He had an auction and still didn’t make enough to pay his payments. He and his family are moving into a condominium place over by Savannah, TN. He says it’ll be cramped for space but it will be a roof over there heads. Good thing for us the farm is paid for and I make that extra cash bee-keeping. Well I’ll let you know when that stimulation check gets here and I’ll even tell you what I’m buying with it. More later. Clifton