I’m so hot you could grill a burger on my bee-hind! I was watchin’ that Channel 5 from Memphis and with all the criminal activity going on they have to keep on messin’ with Mary Winkler. I mean , HEY!!!!!!!!!!! Get over it!!!!!! This drives me crazy. Let the woman get back to her life.

She has every right to live on and be happy. She had her time in jail and spent enough time with you press meddlin’ morons. So she wants her kids back. Wouldn’t you if you were her? These TV stations have enough crime to talk about. Why do they keep hasslin’ folk. Stay over there in Shelby County Channel 5 and talk up a storm about those crimes that happen so often you can’t cover them all.

I’m a firm believer that some of your ree-porters only come over here to McNairy County because they want a vacation for a day. Leave Ms. Winkler alone! Let her get her life back with the kids. She deserves to have the peace and quiet that she’s earned through that hectic period in her life.

Please get over it! Channel 5 …spend the travel money on getting your news people smiling lessons!

Clifton Hitchins

Clifton Hitchins___ The Grumpy Old Man(So They Say)
Another Trip To Selmer

I was on my every other day trip to town and had plans to get my hair cut and beard trimmed. I was finding things in my beard from a week back. I was comin’ up to that intersection of 45 and 64 and had a green light. It suddenly turned yeller and then red. I said to myself that here I was drivin’ through a red light again. My truck only goes 45 mph and I knew I was going to be gettin’ one of those traffic tickets. They put up these fancy cameras at the intersection and catch us folk who have a slow reaction time.

It was a couple of days and there it was in the mail. A ticket for going through a red light. It was for 138 dollars and change. I have the money to pay for it so I will send it in and pay for it. It was in the paper that they get about 200-300 people drivin’ thru this red light. Now I was figurin’ this out and they catch about 28,000 dollars worth a month minimum.

Every path has a few puddles, so they say. I was a bit mad but with my slow reaction time and my slow truck, I would have to ignite a rocket in my behind to save myself from gettin’ a ticket. Being a good citizen I will pay the ticket and go on. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump, if you know what I mean.

So I say to all of you to watch out for that intersection. There is a camera or two watchin’ you closely and the tickets are flowin’ like moonshine from an uncorked jug. After all 138 dollars is 2 tanks of gas!!!!!

Clifton Hitchins….

Hi Ya’ll - My name is Clifton Hitchins. I owe it to these fine upstarts of this website to write this here column, or blog as they keep telling me to call it. I can’t believe that I am going to do this for nothing but I am. They don’t give me a penny to do this at all. My wife and I have this nice place over by Shiloh, Tennessee. We have a nice house on 45 acres that keeps me pretty busy except for this writin’ stuff. My wife accompanied me to the doctor’s office. After my checkup, the doctor called my wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, I asked my wife, “What did the doctor say?” She said, while looking into my eyes, “You’re going to die,” Well, whenever I feel like it I’ll have more for you, hopefully before I kick the bucket….. and hey what did you expect - I did mention they ain’t payin me for this, right - not even a penny?

I was in Selmer yesterday buying some chicken feed and I noticed some youngsters getting off the bus. I was particularly shocked seeing what these young boys wear to school. One of the fellas had on these real baggy drawers that went down a bunch from his waist and you could see his shorts that were designed like the winners flag at one of those stock car races. He had a pair of them headphone things in his ears and he was dancin’ as he walked like he had boweevils lodged in his britches. I asked him what he was listening to and he said , “It’s my EYE-POD”. I asked him if he was on some kind of medication that made him stupid. He laughed and said that this here EYE-POD was a gadget that held thousands of songs and he could download as many songs as he liked. He showed it to me and I’ll be dang if it wasn’t the size of one of those credit cards , just a little thicker. When he said EYE-POD, I thought he was talkin’ about one of those eye patch things that pirates wore. Well anyway I sure was learning a few things. I told him that if he pulled up his drawers he could walk a lot better. I told him that if he pulled them up and wore a belt no one would see those fancy shorts he had on. That it would save him a lot of trouble getting in fights and stuff. He said he was in-style and that I was way out in space. Space or no space, I know what looks good and this young whipper-snapper looked like he was one of them fugitives from that Barnum and Bailey Circus that was in Memphis last year. I told him where I lived and when he came to his senses or looked in a mirror, he should come by for a visit and I would give him some of my Sunday bib overalls. He laughed and said he would be by. There was also a young fellar that was wearin’ a baseball hat backwards. I asked him if he was the catcher on the school baseball team and if he was just in a habit of wearin’ it like that. Then three of his friends walked by wearin’ their hats the same way. I guess they must have a lot of catchers playing with the team. Well, I have to go and unload the chicken feed from the pick-up. I’ll write more when I want to. These boys who run this here web site don’t pay me a penny. Why should I do this just for them. Bye for now.

These guys at the barber shop in Selmer told me that I was getting a stimulation check in the mail right soon. Said it was $600.00 for me and Mrs. Hitchins, and more if I have any other dependents. If I would have known that, and this dependent thing would have gotten me more money, I would have gotten social security numbers for my farm animals. Well anyways, I was telling those fellers at the hair cuttin’ place that if that Bush guy wants to stimulate me he can make gasoline 89 cents a gallon. He can make a gallon of milk $1.09. He can keep those jets flying and he can put a lot of people back to work so they won’t lose their homes. My neighbor Jonah, has to move because he can’t afford his payments on his farm. He had an auction and still didn’t make enough to pay his payments. He and his family are moving into a condominium place over by Savannah, TN. He says it’ll be cramped for space but it will be a roof over there heads. Good thing for us the farm is paid for and I make that extra cash bee-keeping. Well I’ll let you know when that stimulation check gets here and I’ll even tell you what I’m buying with it. More later. Clifton

The Mrs.and I decided to take a ride yesterday and see how the rest of the world is doing. we went into Selmer and had breakfast at the cafe’ and then it was off to burn some of that expensive gasoline up. I keep tellin’ my oldest son that we are drivin’ his inheritance away. Well, anyways we were drivin’ in some of those new fangled subdivisions. Those are neighborhoods that are clumped together real close. Your neighborhood people live real close to each other. You can tell what your neighbor’s cologne is without leavin’ the house. I stopped and talked to one of the fellers that was working in the yard. We introduced to each other and I knew in a matter of seconds he forgot my name. I remembered his though, it was Jeffrey. Knew his last name too. He said he didn’t have a clue what his neighbors names were and has only waved to him or her. Now that is a dang shame. My neighbor, Grady has lived in his house for 65 years and we see and talk to each other just about every day and he lives 25 acres away from me. As we were driving along, I realized that the reason why these young folk didn’t know their neighbors is because they don’t have big sit down porches in front of their houses. Growing up we lived on our porches. The family met out there every night right after supper. We had several rocking chairs and an old couch plus we had this huge old porch swing that hung from the ceiling by these big chains. This swing made this squeaking sound every time you would get it going full speed. we had Aunts, Uncles, Grandmas and Grandpas, and all kinds of neighbors on the porch just a chewin’ the fat. Our porch was screened in so we could keep the mosquitoes away and all the other bugs out. We even had this extended lip that hung out over the roof so when it rained it wouldn’t keep coming inside the porch. Those storms and that comfortable porch along with a hot cup of coffee brings back great memories. I remember getting a jar and collecting fireflies or lightening bugs when we re kids and mom would let us keep the jar out on the porch. As we were driving up and down streets of solid wall-to-wall houses, I realized these young folk didn’t have a chance at what real living is. They probably stopped going out on the porch when we started to have air conditioning. These houses in these neighborhoods all look alike. they seem bare without porches. These huge porches have swings that sing hello and were glad your here. These young whippersnappers are really missing out on the good life. They all need a good dose of hand wringing wash machines, clotheslines, push lawn mowers, and milkmen. They miss that guy who came by every month and sharpened knives. They missed nickel ice cream cones, cherry cokes, green rivers and ice cream sodas. Were heading home now and I can’t wait to get there and sit on our porch swing and share a piece of rhubarb pie with my Mrs. Maybe if Grady isn’t busy he’ll come over and we can play some checkers. Have more for you in a few days. Bye for now.

This gas business has me in a turmoil. I mean I am so hot you could fry taters on my forehead. I went to fill up my pickup truck and it was $48.98. You have to be kiddin’ me that this here gasoline is that high.

I was in Selmer at the convenience store and going to fill the truck up. The gas pump has one of those fancy screens on it that talks to you. The first screen said welcome and to insert my credit card. The next screen asked me for my make and model of pick-up truck and my annual salary. Then the screen said to wait. Then it came back and said that my loan has been approved and it was OK to filler’ up.

I was thinkin’ that it would be cheaper to have a tow truck haul me around and just pay for the tow. This gas price business has my long johns up where their not supposed to be. I was tellin’ my Grandson who is 23 years old that back in 1952 , gasoline was 20 cents a gallon and that when you pulled in the station three guys ran to your car and checked your oil, filled the gas tank, washed your windows and you didn’t even have to get out of the car. He looked at me and had this strange look on his face like I was losin’ my mind.

Well, all of you stay safe and don’t travel to far. We’ll talk to you later.

Clifton Hitchins