The Pregnant Man

By C.U.Soone, Editor

Oprah had a man on her show that was pregnant. No kidding!!!!! I guess he used to be a woman and he has had sex change operations but he still can manage to have a baby. This had millions of people going crazy with all kinds of thoughts. With me I just couldn’t imagine a man giving birth. It’s just not possible that a man could go through with that. It’s just not right.

Okay…I said that I need to be open-minded and see what some of the folks here in McNairy County had to say about a pregnant man. So, I headed over to Walmart in Selmer and asked some of the guys what they had to say about it. No names here just what they said….

• "Well if a man could get pregnant maternity leave would have to be 2 years and with full pay."
• "If a man got pregnant, I’d have to have a cure for stretch marks."
• "There would be no way that I could go through natural childbirth…"
• "Morning sickness would become the nation’s number one health problem".
• "Every method of birth control would be 100% effective."
• "Children would be kept in the hospital until their toilet trained."
• "I would be very eager to talk about commitment."
• "I sure wouldn’t think that twins are cute."
• "Sons would have to be home by 10pm…no exceptions!"
• "Brief cases would be turned to diaper bags."
• "If someone kept feeling my stomach, I would have to punch their lights out."
• "The baby showers would have cigars, poker, and lots of snacks…who care about gifts."

Some guys just looked at me like I was crazy. They told me to get in out of the sun and that I needed to be analyzed. I told them that this was no joke. A group of guys carrying golf clubs forced me into my car for a quick departure.

Well, now that I’m safe and sound back in the office, I’ll just say that I saw it on Oprah and that it’s going to happen…but not around here. That’s for sure!

C.U.Soone

Politicians, Criminals, CEO’s, and Other Folk

I was sitting here sipping this green tea that my wife is forcing me to drink and I was thinking about the politics in Memphis. Moving from the big city to this paradise we call home is so delightful. Many of the people, they elected, do care, but are frustrated by the ones who are corrupt and continually try to get away with shady deals. It makes me feel sick to see a beautiful city like Memphis keep going downhill.

The graffiti, the businesses who close due to crime, the higher prices due to shoplifting, the fact that people don’t go out after dark because they don’t feel safe, its absolutely horrible.

There is more crime in city hall than you can even imagine. People who move there or visit there can’t imagine why its like the way it is. They just shake their heads. It’s shameful.

I’m glad to be living here, and say great job to everyone for electing representatives who are respectable and worthy of their jobs.

Here are a few other examples of poor judgement in electing, hiring, and the criminal element  etc……

      James Canton, CEO of The Modern Northern Electrical Corporation, refused a seventy-eight percent pay raise because the company lost over eighty million  in the last quarter, causing a lay off of thirty percent of its’ work force.
He commented that although it will be a hardship on his family and mistress, they will have to make due with his twenty-two million dollar salary.
_________________________
Let’s not forget Mr. Johnny Backer who was stopped at the border when a drug-sniffing dog alerted the authorities. They thoroughly searched the truck, and finding nothing, apologized to the driver.
The confused criminal muttered that he must have left the cocaine in the other truck. He was arrested after the police searched his other van finding over forty pounds of the illegal powder.
_________________________
From Mississippi we receive word that the police chief of a small town was arrested after he ran into the back of another car while under the influence.
He attempted to explain that he was chasing the vehicle after it ran a red light. This was hard to believe because the car in question had no tires and was up on blocks. His license was suspended.
_________________________
This country’s consumer and national debt has become a major issue in the forthcoming election. Recently released figures show the average household owes over 85K, including mortgage, credit cards, car payments and, of course, entertainment and electronics, for their children. But this is the good news.
The bad news is that each man, woman and child’s portion of the national debt comes to $361,582. I know exactly what you’re thinking…does the IRS take personal checks?

C.U. Soone

You Could Hear A Pin Drop

With Memorial Day behind us and the anniversary of our invasion at Normandy during WWII, I couldn’t help but remember this excerpt from someone regarding our veterans and the fighting men and women that encompass the world for our safety and security. Please enjoy the patriotism that this represents.

I

  A PIN DROP    

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building’ by George Bush.    He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men  and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
          You could have heard a pin drop. 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part,  including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying  ‘Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?’ A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have? ‘
              You could have heard a pin drop.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     An U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, ‘whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.’ He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?’  Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied ‘Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’
          You could have heard a pin drop.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ONE ABOVE…
   A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane..  At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. ‘You have been to France before, monsieur’?, the customs officer asked sarcastically.  Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.  ‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’  The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’  ‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’. The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’
              You could have heard a pin drop

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         What Is A Veteran?  A ‘Veteran’ — whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve — is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The United States of America,’ for an amount of ‘up to, and including his life.’ That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country today, who no longer understand that fact. How many of us this past Memorial Day thought about our Veterans and servicemen doing duty. We seem to worry about all the sales at department stores or the vacation we had to miss because of high gas prices. We were to busy wondering why we didn’t get paid time and a half for working on Memorial Day. We were too busy having a cookout or get together with family and friends and why Lucy forgot to bring the potato salad.

To the Men and Women in the military, to our veterans where ever you are across our planet or those traveling in space…We salute you!!!! God Bless America!!!!!

C.U. Soone

So You Want To Stop Smoking

I smoked for 8 years until my doctor told me that if I continued I would drop dead. That statement was blunt and it definitely made me think. Stop smoking and live. Continue smoking and die. It was really no choice.

So I decided a couple things to help me quit. I selected a target quit date. I set it for 2weeks away. First thing I switched to a cigarette that was yucky. I cut down on the amount of cigarettes that I smoked. I changed to a brand that is less tasteful. I also changed to a cigarette that is less in nicotine and tar. This changed my behavior. I stopped smoking automatically. I caught myself before lighting up out of habit. Don’t empty your ashtrays. This will remind you of how many cigarettes you’ve smoked each day, and the sight and smell of stale cigarette butts were very unpleasant.

I stopped buying cigarettes by the carton and bought them by the pack only. I waited until the pack was completely empty. I made it a chore to buy another pack. On the day I quit, I threw away all my cigarettes and matches as well as every lighter I have ever had, no matter what the cost. I kept myself very busy and tried at all costs to forget smoking. I stopped hanging around other smokers. I know this is horrible but I had to.

I would drink tons of water and it helped with the smoking. Try to avoid alcohol and coffee. These usually caused me to smoke more.

Cigarette smoking is the single most preventable cause of death in the United States. If you have thought about quitting but haven’t been able to, I hope that these above ideas will help you stop the habit. More than 400,000 deaths in the United States each year are from smoking-related diseases or illnesses. I quit 12 years ago and I’ve never felt better. You can quit!!!!!

C.U. Soone